About this Blog
Momfidence! cheers on commonsense parenting and sighs at the rest. How to worry less, wing it more. A.k.a. parenting by the seat of my mid-rise mom jeans.
About Paula SpencerI'm the author of Momfidence! An Oreo Never Killed Anybody and Other Secrets of Happier Parenting, and a mom of four in Chapel Hill, North Carolina (where you can't even buy Oreos at the two wholesome groceries nearest to my home). 
A rare foto in which all six Spencers face the camera! by Charles Harris
Some Kindred Blogs
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Invisible Mothers and Their Tarty TotsApril 28, 2009
Yet another disturbing feature on the "junior fashionista trend" -- as in very junior juniors, 8 and 10, who aspire to be just like models and movie stars, now. And where do they get their penchants for make-up and breast implants, and their designer/goth wardrobes? From mums, apparently, who: * Are "proud" to see their 10-y-os unable to pass a mirror without checking to see if they've gained weight * Provide 20-plus lipsticks to fourth graders * "Bond together" over shopping and "flick through" fashion mags together * "Can't remember" the last time their little girls played outside * Host "makeover parties" for 10s * Find it "hard to put my foot down" All that just in the article. Momfidence is...
Memories Are Forever (Especially Once Digitized)April 28, 2009
I've been writing about parenting for, oh, awhile now. Many of those pieces predate the www. So it's always fun/funny when they spring to new life online seeming as if I still have (sigh!) (of both regret and relief!) a 4-y-o and a 2-y-o. A reader (a dad) just wrote to thank me for a piece he saw on CNN.com: "What I Learned About My Husband in Bed." As of last night, it was highlighted on the cnn home page under "Latest News," which was especially funny -- and mortifying, too. I wrote it a decade ago for Parenting, about being on bedrest (with #3 of the four kids). As I recall, I sold the piece on the basis of the titillating title, before I'd fleshed out the idea! That's no doubt what got it placed on the cnn home page, come to think of it. Just thought I'd set the record straight in case anybody was thinking I was having yet ANOTHER baby! Labor: Walk It OutApril 21, 2009
In labor? Stay on your feet! A major review combining data from 21 studies finds that women who lay down -- in any position -- during first-stage labor have slower labors and are more likely to need an epidural than those who sit upright, stand, or walk. (First-stage labor is that endless journey from 3cm to10cm dilation.) For me it was instinctive. I remember when during my first labor when they'd make me get into the bed to be monitored periodically...finally my doctor ok'd a walking monitor. It was a long labor anyway (12 hrs) but I just didn't feel comfortable lying in bed til near transition. Ditto all my other childbirths... Trouble with being put right in bed is that the medical machine takes over and you have no idea what's instinctive any more. And if anything should be instinctive it's the process of a human being coming out of your body. After all it's instinct that got it in there in the first place.
This Week's Lighten-Up-and-Eat-a-Cookie Award
April 21, 2009
An overdue giant serving of cookies to the collective environmental hysteria that has one in three American children fearing the planet will not exist by the time they grow up! Having lived through my share of Earth Days and anti-pollution lectures as a kid, I, too, took it to heart and worried that we might run out of trees by the time I was a mother. But this study is saying one-third of children fear imminent environmental Apocalypse! Note the study says, A staggering 95 percent of the children surveyed said their parents pitched in by recycling, using rechargeable batteries, and conserving water and electricity. Not so staggering considering that at least some of these behaviors have become cultural norms. Not so staggering, either, if it means their parents do ALL these things, because it stands to reason that the more environmentally harpy the parents are, the more anxious the kids are. If parents are matter of fact, the kids are liable to feel more secure. Not that parents can control what kind of hysteria is poured, unfiltered, into their brains at school.
The Real Question About Video Game AddictionApril 20, 2009
Are video games addictive? YES says a new report in the journal Psychological Science. YES says a mom who has seen kids spend hours on end sitting next to one another with twitching thumbs but no eye contact. That's a no brainer. But the real question is, so what are you going to do about it? As Nancy Shute points out in this USNWR blog post, just knowing something is addictive doesn't mean it's necessarily damaging and should be pulled away -- reading is addictive, too. Hard to give a hard-and-fast how-much-is-too-much rule, or to definitvely state the point at which a child's headed for a life of ruin (if excellent hand-eye coordination). You know your child. You know when he's shirking chores or flunking math. You know whether your gamer is still pleasant and charming or becoming a cretin with no social skills who needs a shower. You control the horizontal and the vertical ... and the controller. If videogaming a problem, or looks like a potential problem, do something about it. Set limits. Hit the library and check out a book. If it's not yet a problem, quit worrying. Don't get scared by a study.
Everybody Shriek (With Happy Welcome): It's Guest Blogger Jen Singer -- on Shrieking Toddlers
April 11, 2009
Just in time to help me recover from a whole lotta rushing around (kids on break, visiting old friends & relatives including my remarkable 93-year-old godmother, now "dad-sitting" an under-the-weather father), I get to welcome my favorite finger-on-the-pulse mom Jen Singer of MommaSaid who has a new book out on toddlers (a topic you know I never tire of, having written at least 2 books on the topic myself). But I wouldn't clear a space for Jen if her momfidence weren't so clear & smart. Here's an excerpt from Jen: What Can You Do if Your Toddler is a Shrieker? I've had all types -- and yup, this advice works! --Paula Be a Good Egg
April 10, 2009
Spring break has discombobulated my schedule... With Easter approaching, so does the inevitable advice about how to make a joyous, mellow holiday into anything but a day of rest for moms. For example, there's How to Have an Easter Egg Hunt at Home. My own plan involved shaking a few bags of chocolate eggs around the lawn in the morning (Dove dark chocolate the best, though nobody else wlll eat them, both a pro and a con); in later years I handed the bags of chocolate eggs to older children to disburse (half are consumed before being hidden, but these are eggs they formerly found first then ate, so it's a wash). No age-related color coordination necessary. Definitely didn't make my own candy Easter eggs. Nor did I organize egg hunts for dogs. Just call me a lazy bunny. The Great Text DivideApril 01, 2009
So do you dislike the idea of your kids texting, or do you not mind? Either way you'll probably like this piece on the subject by a local friend of mine in Monday's New York Times Well blog. Is text messaging just modern technologyin action, opposed by fogey parents who forget how their own parents frowned at bulky 8-track tapes? Or an extravagance in tight times? Age matters, too. Young teens gotta talk...In some ways, texting seems better than when I used to tie up our single phone line at home for 2 or 3 hours and infuriate parents or other relatives trying to get through the endless busy signal.... But what age? I draw the line here at high school. You?? YOU Get to Decide Because You're the MommyMarch 31, 2009
Sorry, been swamped and had no idea so many days have passed. Every day I think of things to comment on...baby yoga...hugs and high fives being banned at schools...hot mom followups..sexting... But this Canadian feature, about a trend here in my homestate of NC, stopped me in my racing tracks: Consensual parenting. No wait, it's called "consensual living" because of course there is no parenting involved. The preschooler gets to decide when she goes to bed. The toddler decides whether she's too cranky for her pediatric well visit any given day. The article's lead anecdote threw me, because it's about allowing a child to wear the same thing day after day...been there, done that. But there's a big difference between sartorial allowances and basics like sleep, discipline, and medical care. Anyone else heard of this movement? Sounds like it was thought up by parents with too much time on their hand -- or time not better spent reading up on basic child development. Check out the core principles of consensual living: (Sorry, at least with young kids, I don't think I fully agree with any!)
Hot Moms, RevisitedMarch 18, 2009
I first wrote about the "hot mom" trend in a January 2007 WD column (not online apparently but here's the blog discussion) and before that in Momfidence, the book. The new term "momshell" -- from "bombshell," and now applied to the poor First Lady, -- hadn't been coined yet. Isn't that a weird word? Makes me think of "shellshocked" (like what a new mom can feel like) and "bomb shelter" (like what a house with young kids can feel like). Or the brittle shell of trying to be all things to all people. Or a creature from a Sea World vacation. Maybe it's just me, hot 'n bothered once again. And still not wearing platform heels and stovepipes for my afternoon extracurricular wrangling. What I Don't Like About Tween Dora
March 17, 2009
Awhile back there was a brouhaha over the silhouette of the new "pre-teen" Dora the Explorer doll and cartoon being introduced for 5-8 year-olds after the outgrow the little cartoon girl the preschooler set inexplicably adores. (Full confession: When Dora debuted, I was dismayed by the idea of a cartoon girl who lived in a computer, since I was trying to keep my kids off the computer for as long as possible. So I never bought anything Dora.) Anyway, there was a lot of talk about whether she would be too slim and sexy. She's not -- she's wearing a blousy tunic and leggings, pretty standard tween fare. She seems normal-sized. Long-haired, cute. It's the earrings I can't stand. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I don't want my 5- to 8-year-old coveting them, and won't let my preteens wear them. Economic Implosion Silver LiningMarch 16, 2009
From the Happy News Dept: Moms may once again be allowed to look "normal," sans expensive Botox, laser skin resurfacing, and "mommy tucks" -- cosmetic surgery is suffering in the recession. Which Side Did You Fight on in the Breastfeeding Wars, Mommy?March 16, 2009
Sorry I've been way absent here... Read this piece in the Atlantic Monthly, a case for why breastfeeding may not be the be-all-and-end-all it's stacked up to be these days. It's sad and strange how this natural act -- an extension of pregnancy, really -- has morphed into this two-year sentence for poor new moms, whether or not they work or like it or have two other kids or what. I worked, didn't really like it (didn't hate it either, but let's face it a huge hassle at times) and had two other kids. Pumping? No thanks. Am mom. Not cow. I did it, enjoyed it, and quit before six months all four times. Guilt free. The point is that the child will live no matter what you do. So I was glad to see this Atlantic piece. Unbuttoned book is out any day now (group think full of essays on breastfeeding). My chapter -- nobody will be surprised to hear -- is called, "Step One: Try It. Step Two: Whatever Works." P.S. Kids They Last Forever
And I don't care that it's pink.
March 05, 2009
Okay I'm late to this story but why why why is Barbie at 50 (this year) getting a tattoo? I don't care if you're 8 or 18 or 28 or 50, I don't like tattoos. I have never seen one that isn't ugly. And now that they're disfiguring Barbie (new Tattoo Barbie comes complete with her own tattoo gun!) they're sending kids the message that tattoos are lovely and normal and wash-off-able. It's every bit as dismaying and age-inappropriate as a Bratz doll thong to me. I know everyone under 30 will disagree with me on this one. But it's my blog so I can grouse as I please. Be Glad You Threw It Out AnywayMarch 05, 2009
Moms everywhere will feel a pang hearing about the boy in the UK who sold a vast collection of McDonald's Happy Meals toys for some $12,000. So here's a boost to make you feel better: You were right to toss it. It's only plastic. It's junk. It messed up your minivan and your playroom floors. It's ugly as sin. Not that those toys stayed long in their valuable original wrappers around my house anyway. ("Finish your chicken nuggets and then you can open the package...I said put down the toy...no two bites of French fries doesn't count...No I don't know why you didn't get the same toy as your sister but you can only trade if she wants to...no don't grab it...she doesn't seem to want to trade....that's just the way it is....I said finish your chicken nuggets first....") Those toys cause more bickering than they're worth, too. |
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